versus the Resume

Like learning to ride a bike, eating a slice of pizza, or playing a Super Mario Bros. game, writing your resume is now seemingly part of the American Rite of Passage.  (Other Coming of Age activities that were nominated but failed to received enough votes to be inducted to this list include: being terrified by the dentist; entertaining the notion of becoming a reality TV star; cooking meals in the microwave; and getting slapped in the face by a large-mouth bass.)  Resume writing is a skill that one must hone very carefully for it, in truth, is nothing less than a concise summation of your ENTIRE existence thus far and is the primary tool in selling yourself - kind of like prostitution only classier, a little less illegal, and, with very few exceptions, almost never requires fish-net hosiery.

That's pretty damn daunting when you think about it.  One could go so far as describe it as alarming.  Frightening even.  Blood-chillingly petrifying!  It's worse than if Count Dracula, Hannibal Lector, and Cruella DeVille were rolled into a one-page document of fear!  Naturally, there was only one way to overcome this crippling panic and find the help I needed: Google it.  I personally did an exhaustive search on this, seeking out example after example of "proper resume techniques," so many, in fact, that I lost count (which means there are at least 7 out there as I can only count to 7 on a consistent basis; I get a little hazy around 9, become hopelessly lost around 16, and I am of the firm belief that any number bigger than 35 is a myth).  This was actually more detrimental to my cause because there were so more different methods, concepts, formats, configurations, schemes, arrangements, and compositions that I ran out of synonyms for them (more than 7!)  As far as I can tell, resume building sites are the 3rd most common type of page on the internet (#1: pornography.  #2: YouTube videos of people getting slapped in the face by a large-mouth bass).  This was not helpful!  I still didn't know what to do and I was certain the only thing I would accomplish in this endeavor would be to screw it up so bad you'd think I used a power-drill and then NO ONE would like me!

But then, salvation, in the form of a good friend of mine.  I am not sure if you are aware, but there is a whole industry crammed full with dedicated individuals whose sole purpose is to help people write these profiles of ourselves and assist us with getting the jobs we crave.  These people are like Abraham Van Helsing, Clarice Starling, and Pongo all rolled into one!  As I said, one of my best friends is one such person and works in this capacity at a major university (yes, his job description DOES say:Van Helsing-Starling-Pongo Professional on it). So, aside from playing fantasy sports, this is probably the thing he is best at, and I decided to call upon his expertise to help me with my own, "HEY-LOOK-AT-ME!!!" sheet.  He has given me many good pointers and morsels of advice in this whole process.  Here is a brief list of things you should keep in mind!

DO tailor your resume to the field you are interested in; let them know you are paying attention to whom you are sending it.

DON'T send your resume to a field; make sure there is some sort of building there or you could run the risk of it getting all soggy if it rains.

DO list your interests and hobbies; you never know what might grab their attention!

DON'T include bacon; yes, it is delicious but the mailman will probably, and understandably, steal the bacon out of the envelope and leave nothing but grease stains and an intoxicating aroma.  Wait until the interview and hand your potential employer those crispy strips of grilled heaven in person.

DO write about EVERYTHING you've done in your work experience; use action verbs and be clear.

DON'T include photos of yourself no matter how cute you look in that over-sized top hat (unless its for an acting gig; then your photos should show a bit of skin, perhaps a tasteful off-the-shoulder ensemble.)

DO write with confidence and be proud of what you've already accomplished; let them know you feel that you are the best person for the job.

DON'T list your age, gender, political affiliation, sexual orientation, or proficiency rating at hitting/getting hit by a large-mouth bass; that information is yours and is protected by law.

Obviously, these are just a few of the helpful hints and I have already used them extensively in my own resume, I am sure you can use them too!  Don't be scared, go for your dreams like I did and remember to honk if you see me standing on the sidewalk dressed as a pumpkin and dancing a jig for loose change.  Huzzah!

versus the Interview Swap: The Cap'n

 Ladies and Gentlemen and Goobers, I have a special treat for you.  A very special treat.  The kind of special treat that makes you look over your shoulder, praying that your parents aren't watching you at that precise moment, slap the thing out of your mouth and scolds you, "I told you no special treats before dinner, you'll ruin your appetite!"  But its only franks and beans tonight, so what do you care if you have a little something tasty and delicious beforehand, anyway?  Not much, that's for sure.  Seriously, special treat or explosive gas for the night?  Um, special treat me, please and hold the pickle!  Hell, you might even grab a second special treat so you can sell it to Johnny Pinkus down the street for a Superball and a packet of firecrackers.  Wait a sec...was I suppose to be talking about bottlerockets and farts?

No.  Er...sorry, my bad.  *** re-orienting brain, target re-acquired ***

Remember a couple weeks back my good friend William the Bloody and I did that super-nifty interview swap thingy?  (Well, I did.  And you can remember for yourself by reading about it both here on this website - look in Gabe versus the Archives section there on the right side of this page - and on Bloody B's site at www.williamsbloodyhell.com; its still there and its still groovy.)  It seems I haven't learned my lesson yet!

This time I was given the privilege and the opportunity to "interview" (journalism laws require me to denote that I am using this term in a fictional sense on the grounds that I am an idiot.  Go figure!) none other than The Cap'n himself, Nate Wilson, in a rare, poignant and heart-felt conversation that opens us all to his brilliance, shines a light on his courage, and bares his lovely soul to us all.  It will make you think about what you can do to save the planet; make you wonder how you can better aid the elderly; make you finally want to adopt that baby tiger.  It's more sentimental than a friggin' After School Special.

At least, I think it would have, if I had remember to ask him those types of questions.  Unfortunately, I asked him the following and in a masterful stroke of sheer pity, he answered them.

5 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS WITH THE CAP'N

1) You are stranded on a desert island for the foreseeable future and perhaps longer.  How upset would you be if your family and friends sold all of your stuff, and why?

Are you kidding me? I’d be pissed. Not only have I spent half my life amassing that collection of over-stretched rubber bands and half-completed crossword puzzles, but I’ve only been on this desert island for three days! I know I’m stranded here for the foreseeable future, and perhaps longer, but out of respect for the presumed dead, shouldn’t you at least wait a month? Is that too much to ask?

And really, all of my stuff? I mean, I can understand why strangers might want my Wii or my yew, but I figured friends and family would want to hold onto my artwork, as keepsakes to remember me by. Yet, it would seem you’re all doing your best to forget me. You vile, unfeeling bastards!

You know what? I’m glad I coated all my belongings with a thin layer of arsenic before I left.

Lousy scavengers.

2) The Powers That Be have granted you the ability to create one Law (of any kind you can imagine) that will be followed by everyone.  Would you create a Law that is beneficial to the world, one that bends the world to your will, or one that is designed to just "screw with it for kicks?"  Again, why?

You’re a little behind the times, Gabe. I’ve already created it. You ever hear of a guy by the name of Jude Law? Yeah, of course you have. Everyone follows Jude Law.

Now, you might try to argue that he was born nearly six years before I was, so I couldn’t have created him. Like that proves anything. You probably had no idea that Jude was killed in a freak traffic accident shortly after filming The Talented Mr. Ripley. Hollywood kept it hushed up, and I rebuilt him because I had the technology. You have to love the irony: Everyone thought he was a human playing a robot in A.I., but that’s actually the only movie in the past ten years where he could just be himself.

Is he beneficial to this world? You better believe it.

3) A hypothetical man walks up to you and says, "Write me a paragraph in English without using the letter E or I'm going to punch someone, probably you, in the face."  Would you comply with his outrageous demands or would you recognize the hypothetical man as me and know that I wouldn't really punch anyone, much less you, in the face?

If I’m going to construct this paragraph for you, first I want to know what topic I should focus on. I could go on and on about convictions of faith particular to Christianity, or talk to you about idols and immortality (including Mars, Saturn, Apollo, and similar gods found throughout Roman mythology). I could impart to you my wish that a coalition of Afghani, Iraqi, and Pakistani troops find and bring down major Taliban strongholds. Or, I could simply copy Bill Simpson’s column “Food Box: Go Or No Go” word for word, if that’d work for you… But no; I’m not going to stoop to blatant plagiarism just to satisfy your curious stipulations. It’s a mighty difficult task, you know. Try as I might, I can’t think of a topic that’ll work for a full paragraph. Initially, I thought I could do it, but now I know I was a fool to think I had any skills. I’m profoundly sorry, but I’m through trying. I’ll just sit, in sorrow, and wait for you to punch my face.

4) If you could revamp the political system in this country and have all elected officials be chosen by merit, what abilities, traits, or characteristics would your system be based upon?  Does it depress you that all your good ideas will never become a reality?  It saddens me too....

In the future, all government officials shall be chosen not by free election, but by using the Wilsonian Quotient. Following a 200-question psychological survey which I have devised myself, each candidate will be assigned values across an array of essential characteristics; these values will then be inserted into a simple formula to derive the individual’s overall political worth.

The test primarily measures Wit, Intelligence, Loquaciousness, Sarcasm, Objectivity, and most importanly, Nateliness. (This last characteristic comprises a handful of other positive traits, such as generosity, modesty, and awesomeness.)

Of course, as any good mathematician knows, to get a quotient you need to divide by something. Thus, to arrive at the Wilsonian Quotient, we multiply the WILSON values together and then divide by the product of the negative characteristics of Irrationality, Abjectivity, and Non-Nateliness, or IAN. For, as history has shown, people named Ian do not make good politicians.

The Wilsonian Quotient. Coming soon to an election near you.

5) You can morph your feet into any animal in the world.  What would you choose and why?

(Note: For the purposes of this question, I have assumed that each foot turns into the selected animal, rather than both feet into a single animal. Were it the latter, I might instead choose the stingray, since that would allow me to skate everywhere.)

This was not an easy decision to make. My first inclination was to morph my feet into a pair of Bengal tigers: They’re sleek, stealthy, and could tear my many enemies to shreds. However, they could also prove quite hazardous to our cat and dog, so they were never really an option.

Sharks seemed like a good idea, too. Though less stealthy thanks to their conspicuous dorsal fins, they’re also sleek, and could tear my many enemies to shreds. Unfortunately, unless they were land sharks, and thus capable of breathing oxygen, my triumph would be short-lived. Therefore, sharks were also out.

From enemy-shredding, I turned my focus to practicality. Having turtles for feet would be akin to wearing large, clunky shoes. I’d remain about the same height I am today, and have the added bonus of being able to really hurt someone if I clocked them in the shin. Plus, whenever I was late for a meeting I could blame my feet. However, should I accidentally walk through toxic waste, there was always the chance they’d mutate into teenagers. Not gonna happen.

Next, I considered hares, tortoises’ sworn enemies. My feet would never be cold, as they’d always be fuzzy bunny slippers. And I could infuriate that Mr. MacGregor by just standing in his vegetable garden. Yet, rabbits also had a marked disadvantage: take your eyes off them for long enough, and soon you’re overrun with little foot bunnies. No thanks.

And that’s when I hit upon the perfect solution: kangaroos. Wearing boxing gloves. Not only would I be able to run by leaps and bounds, but they could pummel my many enemies into a bloody pulp. And, when I ran out of enemies, I could have the roos battle each other, and sell tickets (and peanuts and Cracker Jacks). Nope, I don’t see a downside here. For the Cap’n, Kangaroos it is.

And there it is folks!  I told you it was way better than a tired ol' plate of frank and beans!  Great stuff, Cap'n and thank you!  If you want more of this literary gold, be sure to check out his blog "Sometimes, the Wheel in on Fire" at www.wheelisonfire.blogspot.com.  He has written some truly wonderful essays - particular favorites of mine include his 12-part series on the Twelve Days of Christmas, a couple really good all-dialogue stories, and a nice piece on procrastination.  I've got a link to his site as well over there on the right so, really, you've got no reason to not check it out.

Again, as before, if you'd like to send me over 5 questions I'm always game to answer them and in return you will get 5 questions from me to you, straight from my cozy padded cell!