versus the Resume

Like learning to ride a bike, eating a slice of pizza, or playing a Super Mario Bros. game, writing your resume is now seemingly part of the American Rite of Passage.  (Other Coming of Age activities that were nominated but failed to received enough votes to be inducted to this list include: being terrified by the dentist; entertaining the notion of becoming a reality TV star; cooking meals in the microwave; and getting slapped in the face by a large-mouth bass.)  Resume writing is a skill that one must hone very carefully for it, in truth, is nothing less than a concise summation of your ENTIRE existence thus far and is the primary tool in selling yourself - kind of like prostitution only classier, a little less illegal, and, with very few exceptions, almost never requires fish-net hosiery.

That's pretty damn daunting when you think about it.  One could go so far as describe it as alarming.  Frightening even.  Blood-chillingly petrifying!  It's worse than if Count Dracula, Hannibal Lector, and Cruella DeVille were rolled into a one-page document of fear!  Naturally, there was only one way to overcome this crippling panic and find the help I needed: Google it.  I personally did an exhaustive search on this, seeking out example after example of "proper resume techniques," so many, in fact, that I lost count (which means there are at least 7 out there as I can only count to 7 on a consistent basis; I get a little hazy around 9, become hopelessly lost around 16, and I am of the firm belief that any number bigger than 35 is a myth).  This was actually more detrimental to my cause because there were so more different methods, concepts, formats, configurations, schemes, arrangements, and compositions that I ran out of synonyms for them (more than 7!)  As far as I can tell, resume building sites are the 3rd most common type of page on the internet (#1: pornography.  #2: YouTube videos of people getting slapped in the face by a large-mouth bass).  This was not helpful!  I still didn't know what to do and I was certain the only thing I would accomplish in this endeavor would be to screw it up so bad you'd think I used a power-drill and then NO ONE would like me!

But then, salvation, in the form of a good friend of mine.  I am not sure if you are aware, but there is a whole industry crammed full with dedicated individuals whose sole purpose is to help people write these profiles of ourselves and assist us with getting the jobs we crave.  These people are like Abraham Van Helsing, Clarice Starling, and Pongo all rolled into one!  As I said, one of my best friends is one such person and works in this capacity at a major university (yes, his job description DOES say:Van Helsing-Starling-Pongo Professional on it). So, aside from playing fantasy sports, this is probably the thing he is best at, and I decided to call upon his expertise to help me with my own, "HEY-LOOK-AT-ME!!!" sheet.  He has given me many good pointers and morsels of advice in this whole process.  Here is a brief list of things you should keep in mind!

DO tailor your resume to the field you are interested in; let them know you are paying attention to whom you are sending it.

DON'T send your resume to a field; make sure there is some sort of building there or you could run the risk of it getting all soggy if it rains.

DO list your interests and hobbies; you never know what might grab their attention!

DON'T include bacon; yes, it is delicious but the mailman will probably, and understandably, steal the bacon out of the envelope and leave nothing but grease stains and an intoxicating aroma.  Wait until the interview and hand your potential employer those crispy strips of grilled heaven in person.

DO write about EVERYTHING you've done in your work experience; use action verbs and be clear.

DON'T include photos of yourself no matter how cute you look in that over-sized top hat (unless its for an acting gig; then your photos should show a bit of skin, perhaps a tasteful off-the-shoulder ensemble.)

DO write with confidence and be proud of what you've already accomplished; let them know you feel that you are the best person for the job.

DON'T list your age, gender, political affiliation, sexual orientation, or proficiency rating at hitting/getting hit by a large-mouth bass; that information is yours and is protected by law.

Obviously, these are just a few of the helpful hints and I have already used them extensively in my own resume, I am sure you can use them too!  Don't be scared, go for your dreams like I did and remember to honk if you see me standing on the sidewalk dressed as a pumpkin and dancing a jig for loose change.  Huzzah!

versus the Interview Swap: The Cap'n

 Ladies and Gentlemen and Goobers, I have a special treat for you.  A very special treat.  The kind of special treat that makes you look over your shoulder, praying that your parents aren't watching you at that precise moment, slap the thing out of your mouth and scolds you, "I told you no special treats before dinner, you'll ruin your appetite!"  But its only franks and beans tonight, so what do you care if you have a little something tasty and delicious beforehand, anyway?  Not much, that's for sure.  Seriously, special treat or explosive gas for the night?  Um, special treat me, please and hold the pickle!  Hell, you might even grab a second special treat so you can sell it to Johnny Pinkus down the street for a Superball and a packet of firecrackers.  Wait a sec...was I suppose to be talking about bottlerockets and farts?

No.  Er...sorry, my bad.  *** re-orienting brain, target re-acquired ***

Remember a couple weeks back my good friend William the Bloody and I did that super-nifty interview swap thingy?  (Well, I did.  And you can remember for yourself by reading about it both here on this website - look in Gabe versus the Archives section there on the right side of this page - and on Bloody B's site at www.williamsbloodyhell.com; its still there and its still groovy.)  It seems I haven't learned my lesson yet!

This time I was given the privilege and the opportunity to "interview" (journalism laws require me to denote that I am using this term in a fictional sense on the grounds that I am an idiot.  Go figure!) none other than The Cap'n himself, Nate Wilson, in a rare, poignant and heart-felt conversation that opens us all to his brilliance, shines a light on his courage, and bares his lovely soul to us all.  It will make you think about what you can do to save the planet; make you wonder how you can better aid the elderly; make you finally want to adopt that baby tiger.  It's more sentimental than a friggin' After School Special.

At least, I think it would have, if I had remember to ask him those types of questions.  Unfortunately, I asked him the following and in a masterful stroke of sheer pity, he answered them.

5 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS WITH THE CAP'N

1) You are stranded on a desert island for the foreseeable future and perhaps longer.  How upset would you be if your family and friends sold all of your stuff, and why?

Are you kidding me? I’d be pissed. Not only have I spent half my life amassing that collection of over-stretched rubber bands and half-completed crossword puzzles, but I’ve only been on this desert island for three days! I know I’m stranded here for the foreseeable future, and perhaps longer, but out of respect for the presumed dead, shouldn’t you at least wait a month? Is that too much to ask?

And really, all of my stuff? I mean, I can understand why strangers might want my Wii or my yew, but I figured friends and family would want to hold onto my artwork, as keepsakes to remember me by. Yet, it would seem you’re all doing your best to forget me. You vile, unfeeling bastards!

You know what? I’m glad I coated all my belongings with a thin layer of arsenic before I left.

Lousy scavengers.

2) The Powers That Be have granted you the ability to create one Law (of any kind you can imagine) that will be followed by everyone.  Would you create a Law that is beneficial to the world, one that bends the world to your will, or one that is designed to just "screw with it for kicks?"  Again, why?

You’re a little behind the times, Gabe. I’ve already created it. You ever hear of a guy by the name of Jude Law? Yeah, of course you have. Everyone follows Jude Law.

Now, you might try to argue that he was born nearly six years before I was, so I couldn’t have created him. Like that proves anything. You probably had no idea that Jude was killed in a freak traffic accident shortly after filming The Talented Mr. Ripley. Hollywood kept it hushed up, and I rebuilt him because I had the technology. You have to love the irony: Everyone thought he was a human playing a robot in A.I., but that’s actually the only movie in the past ten years where he could just be himself.

Is he beneficial to this world? You better believe it.

3) A hypothetical man walks up to you and says, "Write me a paragraph in English without using the letter E or I'm going to punch someone, probably you, in the face."  Would you comply with his outrageous demands or would you recognize the hypothetical man as me and know that I wouldn't really punch anyone, much less you, in the face?

If I’m going to construct this paragraph for you, first I want to know what topic I should focus on. I could go on and on about convictions of faith particular to Christianity, or talk to you about idols and immortality (including Mars, Saturn, Apollo, and similar gods found throughout Roman mythology). I could impart to you my wish that a coalition of Afghani, Iraqi, and Pakistani troops find and bring down major Taliban strongholds. Or, I could simply copy Bill Simpson’s column “Food Box: Go Or No Go” word for word, if that’d work for you… But no; I’m not going to stoop to blatant plagiarism just to satisfy your curious stipulations. It’s a mighty difficult task, you know. Try as I might, I can’t think of a topic that’ll work for a full paragraph. Initially, I thought I could do it, but now I know I was a fool to think I had any skills. I’m profoundly sorry, but I’m through trying. I’ll just sit, in sorrow, and wait for you to punch my face.

4) If you could revamp the political system in this country and have all elected officials be chosen by merit, what abilities, traits, or characteristics would your system be based upon?  Does it depress you that all your good ideas will never become a reality?  It saddens me too....

In the future, all government officials shall be chosen not by free election, but by using the Wilsonian Quotient. Following a 200-question psychological survey which I have devised myself, each candidate will be assigned values across an array of essential characteristics; these values will then be inserted into a simple formula to derive the individual’s overall political worth.

The test primarily measures Wit, Intelligence, Loquaciousness, Sarcasm, Objectivity, and most importanly, Nateliness. (This last characteristic comprises a handful of other positive traits, such as generosity, modesty, and awesomeness.)

Of course, as any good mathematician knows, to get a quotient you need to divide by something. Thus, to arrive at the Wilsonian Quotient, we multiply the WILSON values together and then divide by the product of the negative characteristics of Irrationality, Abjectivity, and Non-Nateliness, or IAN. For, as history has shown, people named Ian do not make good politicians.

The Wilsonian Quotient. Coming soon to an election near you.

5) You can morph your feet into any animal in the world.  What would you choose and why?

(Note: For the purposes of this question, I have assumed that each foot turns into the selected animal, rather than both feet into a single animal. Were it the latter, I might instead choose the stingray, since that would allow me to skate everywhere.)

This was not an easy decision to make. My first inclination was to morph my feet into a pair of Bengal tigers: They’re sleek, stealthy, and could tear my many enemies to shreds. However, they could also prove quite hazardous to our cat and dog, so they were never really an option.

Sharks seemed like a good idea, too. Though less stealthy thanks to their conspicuous dorsal fins, they’re also sleek, and could tear my many enemies to shreds. Unfortunately, unless they were land sharks, and thus capable of breathing oxygen, my triumph would be short-lived. Therefore, sharks were also out.

From enemy-shredding, I turned my focus to practicality. Having turtles for feet would be akin to wearing large, clunky shoes. I’d remain about the same height I am today, and have the added bonus of being able to really hurt someone if I clocked them in the shin. Plus, whenever I was late for a meeting I could blame my feet. However, should I accidentally walk through toxic waste, there was always the chance they’d mutate into teenagers. Not gonna happen.

Next, I considered hares, tortoises’ sworn enemies. My feet would never be cold, as they’d always be fuzzy bunny slippers. And I could infuriate that Mr. MacGregor by just standing in his vegetable garden. Yet, rabbits also had a marked disadvantage: take your eyes off them for long enough, and soon you’re overrun with little foot bunnies. No thanks.

And that’s when I hit upon the perfect solution: kangaroos. Wearing boxing gloves. Not only would I be able to run by leaps and bounds, but they could pummel my many enemies into a bloody pulp. And, when I ran out of enemies, I could have the roos battle each other, and sell tickets (and peanuts and Cracker Jacks). Nope, I don’t see a downside here. For the Cap’n, Kangaroos it is.

And there it is folks!  I told you it was way better than a tired ol' plate of frank and beans!  Great stuff, Cap'n and thank you!  If you want more of this literary gold, be sure to check out his blog "Sometimes, the Wheel in on Fire" at www.wheelisonfire.blogspot.com.  He has written some truly wonderful essays - particular favorites of mine include his 12-part series on the Twelve Days of Christmas, a couple really good all-dialogue stories, and a nice piece on procrastination.  I've got a link to his site as well over there on the right so, really, you've got no reason to not check it out.

Again, as before, if you'd like to send me over 5 questions I'm always game to answer them and in return you will get 5 questions from me to you, straight from my cozy padded cell!

versus the letter C

Yeah, you read that properly; I've got an issue with that stinkin' third letter - and not only for its habit of relentless teasing of my hair, that stupid heartless bully!  No, I don't like it for it is useless!  Useless, I say!!

Think about it: C has no sound of its own!  It either sounds like a K or an S or needs the help of H just to make that "ch" sound.  It is a bloody parasite, the tape worm of the alphabet, unable to survive on its own!  And does anybody here know why some words have that extra K after the C?  Is it supposed to make it extra K-ish?  No, its just to make sure we don't mistakenly say it like an S if the word has an E at the end, as in raced versus racked. 

There doesn't even appear to be any sort of rules to govern when to use the various sounds.  I mean, are we only supposed to use C when it is followed by an R, like in crate or cradle or craft...wait, no kraft is a real word, too (seriously, look it up if you don't believe me!).  Krypton and kraken also break that rule.  Case versus karma?  What is the reasoning behind those?  But you know what really gets me?  Those words that use C multiple times but has a different sound every time its used, as in check, chicken, chocolate and crochet.  Based on those examples, grammar obviously has no regard for any sort of regulations.

The Italians are probably the nearest to solving this issue with some (but not all) of their words: sometimes C by ITSELF makes the "ch" sound, like cello!

So, here's what I propose: we alter the English language in an effort to simplify things.  Just use the appropriate letter to make the appropriate sound!  Crayon turns to krayon.  Celery transforms to selery.  Church morphs into curc!  See how easy it is!!  Keep in mind this simple new strategy and read the following:

Kleary the English language is suc a krazy, skrewed up kombination of dialekts, slang, aksents, and foreign tongues, that aktual attempts to desypher eac of its kountless sekrets would kulminate in nothing exsept seaseless sirkles of konfusion and cagrin.  Damn, writing like this makes me feel like a dyslexik cild with kognitive komplikations.  On sekond thought, perhaps canges to our kollektive spoken kulture would be too diffikult to aksept just now.

Ah, well.  It was a valient effort, but alas, it seems my personal war against that most pointless of letters has been sabotaged yet again.  As part of the English speaking population, we are simply not ready for this.

Then again...

I did manage to write this entire blog without using a C unless outright say it (like I just did) or giving examples!  Hey, its a start!

versus Movie Review: Legion

Yeah, I know the movie came out about a month ago and is probably out of the theaters by now, but you know, that's probably a good thing.  By the end of this review you may even thank me.  Anyway...

Legion - So, here's the idea of this movie: God has decided mankind needs to be destroyed and has unleashed his angels to perform this grim task.  How cool a concept is that?!  Damn cool, I say!  As soon as I heard that, visions of almighty winged warriors swooping down upon a sinful populace, smiting everying with divine judgment fluttered around my noggin!  Especially when the previews showed that an Archangel (Michael) had rebelled against His Word and decided to fight to save humanity.  Seraphim on seraphim carnage!  I imagined the battlefields to look something like the world's largest pillowfight gone crazy.

Too bad this movie really...really...sucked.

Keep reading this review and I will not only spoil any plots points this film may or may not contain (spoiler alert: it doesn't) but I will also spoil any thoughts of eating for the next day or two.  It's that stupid.

Have you stopped reading yet?  No?  Oh man, you're brave...

Okay, so I've detailed the concept of this movie above.  Now, I'm going to detail the actual filth...I mean, film.  Ready?  It's the plot of the Terminator movies (relentless killing machine trying to eliminate the mother of a "messiah" who will lead mankind against annhilation in the future) except, in this version, its incredibly far-fetched, wholly unbelievable, and wretchedly acted (with very very few exceptions).  That's right: I'm saying that a virtually indestructable robot which travels back through time and begins to systematically murder people named "Sarah" because she might get pregnant at some point in her life is far more realistic than this bullshit.

One of the worst parts of the movie is the characterization - none of the characters are very likeable; from the Mother that smokes freely whilst 8+ months pregnant to Dennis Quaid's grumpy diner owner that brazenly wears soiled wife-beaters before Armageddon starts - and any dialogue ruins all chances for redemption.  I suspect, though I have no real proof, that Charles S. Dutton's character only had a hook for a hand so they could work this sterling specimen of wordsmithing: the Archangel Michael is instructing the "survivors" on how to use a rifle and says, "Be sure to use both hands." And they all pointedly look at Mr. Dutton and he says...wait for it..."Why you all lookin' at me?"  At no other point does his lack of a hand come up or is even really acknowledged, and it didn't seem to affect his frying pan throwing ability.

Perhaps the greatest crime against film was perpetrated by the "main" character, played by Lucas Black.  He's...he's just AWFUL!  He is so bad I can't even think of a clever way to rip on him. After 10 minutes of watching him on screen I found myself wishing for Keanu to make a cameo just so he could utter a timely, "Whoa...," and raise the intellect level of the picture by 50 to 100 points.  I mean, there was a scene where Lucas appeared like he didn't even understand the words that were being spoken at him.  And the icing on this crap-cake of a "hero?"  The character's name is Jeep.  That killed, dismembered, fed to pigs, subsequently digested, excreted out and stepped in by a drunk farmer any hope of credibility the film might have had.

The marauding angels were exceedingly dumb as well.  They looked and behaved much more like demons with their most distinguishing traits - that which allows us to know which humans have been possessed - being baby shark teeth and eye-shadow (even on the boys!).  There were 3 "memorable" angel/demons throughout the film: An old lady that single handedly scared the bejeezus out of all our heroes and was actually fairly well done; a creepy little boy beastie that somehow managed to cut off both his thumbs from knife he was holding himself with one stab; and an unbelievably creepy...thing...in a soiled dress and a potato sack on its head for absolutely no friggin reason.  It was just, you know, there.  It wasn't really doing anything, at all, but I have rarely seen anything exude as much evil as that supremely grotesque...again, all I can call it is a "thing."

Perhaps the only thing worth seeing in this movie was the creative look and execution of the two Archangels, Michael and Gabriel.  Their wings looked very believable and, surprisingly, appeared to have been well thought out.  Gabriel in particular cut a very imposing figure and definitely looked to be able to kick the hoo-ha out of anyone, especially when he is oozing that righteous God-told-me-to-smite-you-now vibe.  But does that make it worth the price of admission?  Hardly.

I will say that this movie became fairly enjoyable as soon as I stopped taking it seriously and just laughed at everything I saw.  Who knows, this may become excellent fodder for a truly brilliant Riff-Trax!  As far as I can tell, that may be the only way to get any sort of redemption out of this sin of a movie.

versus Personality Quizzes

I will admit it: I think I may have a problem when it comes to quizzes.  You know what I'm talking about, right?  In just about every magazine there is inevitably some kind of rate-yourself multiple choice questionnaire designed to discover some kind of useless, superficial deeper meaning.  I can't help myself!  If I'm standing in the checkout line in the grocercy store for more than the allotted 2.5 mins/10 items/ person I will inexorably be drawn to a 10 Question Survey of How Romantic Am I?  It's how I found out that I have a "winter" complexion, have a healthy natural competitive streak against all Pisces, and thong underwear would greatly enhance my self-esteem - that was a weird test...

Anyway, as I am one always willing to annoy people with intensley personal questions I figured, "Hey I could make one up myself!"  And so I have.  Below are 21 queries that I have carefully considered, spent hours crafting, all in the name of attempting to discern and decipher the inner-most you!  All with my signature use of the bizarre, of course!  So, grab a piece of paper and pencil and score yourself at home!  Who knows, you might just find out something about yourself you never thought you'd want to!!

This is gonna be fun!!

Question 1:  If you could be any type of sports car, what kind would you be?
A)  A F1 racer
B)  A golf cart
C)  A Kentucky Derby thoroughbred
D)  A jet ski

Question 2:  If you could change one thing about yourself, would you:
A) See with your taste buds.
B) Have your ears glow like a firefly.
C) Laugh with your hair.
D) Sneeze like a cattle bell.

Question 3:  If you see a $20 bill on the ground, your immediate reaction would be:
A) Run in fear, screaming for a prominent religious figure to save you.
B) Have a staring contest with it and boast to all your friends how finally beat Andrew Jackson at something (even if you didn't).
C) Water it everyday, make sure that it gets plenty of sunlight, and play Mozart to it every night before bed so that some day it will grow into a strong and healthy $50.
D) Have it arrested for loitering.

Question 4: How do you typically view those around you?
A) As mere mortals that periodically need smiting from your mighty warhammer Mjolner.
B) As creatures whose only true purpose is to serve as targets for your fecal-flinging tendancies.
C) As giants; massive cookie-mongering ever-hungry giants always raiding your home inside a tree for your life's work.
D) As meat sacks, utterly expendable and totally unnecessary, as your programming dictates.  The only reason you notice them is to discern which one it is you must eliminate.

Question 5:  If you are standing in a long line waiting for the next available cashier during the holiday season, you are most apt to:
A) Burst into song and dance, decrying to all those around you about how your day is going, trusting blindly everyone will know all the words and steps and join in.
B) Barter, dicker, cajole and bribe your way to the front of the line.
C) Speak to you fellow line-mates, helping them to deal with their current crisis.  Be sure to warn them of any fees they might incur if things extend into a second hour.
D) Write your memoirs.

Question 6: You are suddently granted one of the following super-powers; which would you choose?
A) You cane speak in rhyming couplets at will.
B) Your limbs and facial features are now all attached by velcro and can be rearranged at will without suffering any damage to your health.
C) You can shoot Cherry Kool-Aid from your eyes.
D) You can breathe pudding.

Question 7: Which of the following adjectives best describes your personality while alone?
A) Wavy.
B) Smurfy.
C) Jackie Chan-ish.
D) Lower-case.

Question 8: In the event of a natural disaster, who or what would you attempt to keep from harm?
A) The collected works of Walt Disney Inc., circa 1985-2005
B) Zach Braff
C) Two of every breed of cell phone so that they might one day come back from the brink of extinction.
D) The sun.

Question 9: Your spaghetti sauce is missing one final ingredient to make it perfect, but you can't read what it is on the recipe, forcing you to improvise.  You would add:
A) The secret ingredient used by the Oompa-Loompa's to make all of Willy Wonka's candy oh so yummy!
B) The integrity of TV chefs because they sell it so cheap these days.
C) Liquid Schwartz.
D) Animal crackers for that touch of playfulness and crunch of awesomeness.

Question 10: You have the power to alter one of these moments in history, you would:
A) Stop one Mr. Arthur Fonzarelli from making that fateful and utterly dumb-assful motorcycle jump.
B) Convincing a 15 year-old Richard Simmons that shaving his head for the rest of his life would be a great idea.
C) Giving Prince Dracula a hug and an ice cream, thereby preventing him from binding his eternal soul to Satan and thus stopping the vampire-crazed hordes which now plagues us (read as: Twilight fans) before it ever begins.

D) Prevent both Train A and Train B from leaving the train station at all, thus rendering moot any question as to which direction they are travelling, when they depart and how many oranges they may or may not be hauling.

Question 11: Which of the following is most likely to make you cry?
A) Not being allowed to use the bathroom until this game of Monopoly you started 11 hours ago is finished.
B) Watching the end of "Old Yeller" with a cute puppy in the room.
C) A chance to win $10,000 if you can cry more than anyone else.
D) Getting punched in the genetalia by a blacksmith with a grudge.

Question 12: Your significant other sits you down and gravely says, "We need to talk."  You respond by:
A) Refusing to acknowledge anything they say unless they speak Spukvolkian, a language you just invented so you don't have to hear bad news.
B) Take it like an adult and get stronger medication from your therapist.
C) Stare at the tip of their nose with intense concern but assure them there is nothing wrong until they get too self-conscious and walk away.
D) Shout, "Dibs on the checking account!" and stick to your guns.

Question 13: When faced with a situation you've never faced before, you would:
A) Calmly take stock of the situation, evaluate the best course of action, calculate the odds of success, then throw your shoe to cause a distraction and run away.
B) Challenge it to a game of high-stakes Charades.
C) Run around it in ever tightening circles, barking like crazy until it either acknowledges your superior skills or someone hits you with a tazer.
D) Hold perfectly still until the new situation sniffs around you for a bit, realizes you're not worth it and moves onto someone else.

Question 14: You know a very personal secret about a guy named "Chad."  You are not close friends to begin with.  You would:
A) Write a very long and incredibly detailed Blog about someone named "Chod" thereby protecting his identity.
B) Keep Chad's confidence as you are now BFFs and purchase matching pegasus shaped lockets with each other's names on them.
C) Every time you see Chad pretend like you can't see him and run the other way.
D) Get very paranoid that everyone is trying to pry the secret from you, preventing you from getting any sleep and , ultimately decapitating your favorite teddy bear because he was nagging you too much.  Then tell everyone you know Chad's secret.

Question 15: Your boss just gave $1000 to spend on anything, provided you DO NOT spend it on yourself, you would:
A) Buy $1000 worth of traffic cones and create an obstacle course in your boss' driveway.
B) Hire a private investigator to follow your boss around for a week and take pictures you can give to your co-workers for christmas.
C) Re-paint your boss' house so that when you look at it on Google Street it says "Douchebag."
D) Send your boss a different singing telegram from a "secret admirer" every hour of the work day until the $1000 runs out.

Question 16: Which of the following quotes best describes you?
A) "The eyes are the nipples of the face."
B) "Whores do tricks, Michael.  I'm a magician!"
C) "The Dude abides."
D) "Losers whine about their best.  Winners go home and f--- the prom queen."

Question 17: It turns out Santa Claus is real!  He wants to give you give you one present, whatever you want.  It would be:
A) Boba Fett's armor in pristine condition
B) Chuck Norris' fists.
C) The Batcave set from the original 1960's TV show
D) An I-phone.

Question 18: If you could swap places with one of these people for a day, you would choose:
A) Mr. T's personal assistant - apparently Mr. T himself is impervious to body swapping.
B) Al from "Quantum Leap" because you would be a hologram, have access to countless amounts of data and live in the far-off amazing future of 1999.
C) Lassie - has anyone ever been as universally loved as her?
D) Spongebob Squarepants - Question: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Answer: You do!

Qustion 19: You're late for a very important job interview, you would:
A) take your time, make the appointment and patiently explain that elves must have broken into your house and set every clock back 22 mintues, those crafty bastards.
B) Tear the sleeves of your clothes and explain that you just wrestled a baby away from a sewer gator on your way over.
C) Attempt to hypnotize anyone that points out you are late.
D) Inform them your meeting with the President, Michael Jordan and James Bond ran a little longer than intended.

Question 20: If you could be invisible for a week, which of the following is most likely what you would do?
A) "Haunt" mall and after hours play with EVERYTHING!
B) Walk around in a very spiffing suit complete with overcoat, shiney shoes and gloves but no hat so it looks like a headless suit is walking around.
C) Donate yourself to science because, Holy Shit! you're friggin' invisible!!
D) Learn to speak a foreign language.

Question 21: You have the ability to invent one of the following items.  You would choose:
A) Glasses that display random and fairly useless facts about everything you see as in "Pop Up Videos."
B) GPS belt buckles.
C) Mirrors that notify you if you "miss a spot" whilst grooming.
D) Develope a new clean-energy source derived from coordinated tap-dancing.

.tratS ,tceleS ,A ,B ,thgiR ,tfeL ,thgiR ,tfeL ,nwoD ,nwoD ,pU ,pU :yeK rewsnA

versus the Interview Swap: William the Bloody

Ah, the interview.  Such a timeless device; the original form of information exchange from one individual to another.  It's beginnings are humble, the first occuring waaaaay back in pre-history when Neanderthal Man #1 grunted out quite laboriously to Neanderthal Man #Red:

"What you t'ink of 'Fire?'"

"Of what?"

"'Fire.'"

"What be 'fire?'"

"'Fire' be t'at bright, dancing-color, ouchie-maker."

"Oh."

"So what you t'ink of it?"

"Um... mostly just AAAAAGGGGHHHH!"

Over the subsequent millennia, centuries and days, the art of the Interview has been perfected and evolved to the point where just about everyone uses in their everyday lives at some point.  So much so, that it is nearly impossible these days to pass the salt across the dinner table without asking/being asked what it means to you to now that you have a salt-shaker in your hand, what your long-term intentions are for it, and how would you react if the salt in fact turned out to be pepper.  The professional interview has lost some of its luster because 9 times out of 10 they seemed staged or scripted (in the worst cases, stages and scripted.)

But, that's where a friend of mine, William the Bloody, comes in to save the proverbial day!  (Note: proverbial days resemble most days and can only be distinguished from their more mundane brethren by trained specialists, known as: Proverbrarians.  Proverbial days can be dangerous if provoked.)  On his site, he suggested this thing called the Interview Swap!  Basically, I sent him 5 Questions that I want him to answer and then post them here on my site (which I will do shortly, have patience!  Or skip ahead to the section headed: 5 Questions and Answers by William the Bloody) while he sent me 5 questions to answer and post onto his site!  How fun is that?!

Naturally, the questions I asked him are quite ridiculous and pretty much take the rules of Interviewship and bend them so far that they broke off in my brain and was forced to make up new rules loosely based on those of Gin Rummy.  Despite this, WtB admirably answered them so I have to assume I must have accidentally blackmailed him into cooperation.  Either way, they are fun answers!  And here they are!

5 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS BY WILLIAM THE BLOODY

Question 1: How many break-dance competitions have you entered, and as a consequence, DESTROYED the other contestants?


Well, this is interesting. How did you know that my alternate secret origin story (as opposed to the one where I am constantly at odds with Reed Richards and constructing a giant laser in space) revolves around the world of highly competitive and dangerous, underground break-dancing street gangs. When our gangs clashed it was an all-out no holds barred, anything goes throw down. You bet your sweet ass that I did my fair share of serving in those days. Back then I was known as “Bloody B” and the scourge of west Philadelphia. Needless to say, I won ALL the break dance competitions I was in except for one: the last.

Question 2: Which country would you most like to visit whilst on the run from one or more corrupt government agencies, and why?

I would probably be on the run from the Chinese government. Hey, I figure it’s only a matter of time before they figure out that it’s me who’s been bad mouthing them all over the internets. Since I’ll be on the run from evil Chinese agents, Chris Tucker will probably be with me, so I’d say we’d have to hide out in various western European countries.

Question 3: You have the opportunity to name the next world-changing religious figure anything you want; would sell that privilege to highest bidder? If so, would you think your soul to be eternally damned?

See the opportunity? Are you insane? I don’t think there is any price on this Earth that could pull such a privilege from me! But yes, my soul would wind up eternally damned due to the crazy-ass name I would make that fellow answer to until he dies. The rest of us would think it was funny, though.

Question 4: If you could, please name your top 3 weapons you would chose in a fight to the death, excepting ranged weapons and lightsabers?

No ranged weapons?? Oh you douche! You know my affection for catapults and trebuchets, don’t you? Mmm… siege weapons… Anyway, my top three weapons of choice would be: a mace, a halberd, and a chainsaw.

Question 5: To whom would you bequeath all the worldly possession you own that you wish you didn't?

If I understand this correctly, you want to know who gets all my crappy junk after I’m dead (not my awesome stuff). In all honesty, I would probably bequeath my silly possessions to the local Goodwill or sumsuch. But then, I don’t know if even they will accept a truckload of donations containing nothing but merchandise that says “Spawn” on it.

GIN!!!

Hehe, great job "Bloody B!"  Everyone should check out William's site (as listed here: http://www.williamsbloodyhell.com/ or as linked over there on the right side of this page).  My interview will probably be posted there soon, and aside from that it is chock full of fun rants and reviews!  Good stuff!

And, hey, if anyone wants to participate in this Interview swap I'm more than game!

I hope someone asks me what I think about the state of affairs in Fraggle Rock...I've been thinking about that for a long time indeed!

versus Wishes

Have you ever had that feeling like there was something you wanted to do or say that could very well be the most important thing you could EVER do or say but then something comes up or gets in the way and before you know it, all those thoughts and ambitions have disappeared like common sense does around midnight at a frat party?  Yeah, me too.  In fact, its happened right now and that's pretty much why you are reading this crap.  Sorry.  And it wasn't even something good that got in my mind and pushed out worthwhile thoughts; I was just looking out the window and I saw lady walking across the parking lot in the rain and she had a really orange slicker on and I thought, "Orange Slicker...mmm...sounds like a tasty drink, the kind that deserves an umbrella in it and can only be properly served by people in grass skirts.  And perhaps ice cream.  Now I'm hungry...."  I mean come on!  I'm fairly sure that I had thought of something that was really insightful and inspiring and would more than likely changed the way I viewed the world, but my stupid brain got distracted by bright colors.  Is there such a thing as Adult On-Set Retardation?  If there is, I think I've got a bad case of it.  It would also explain that rash I've developed on my right elbow; either that or its a bit of eczema but I feel its safer to keep an open mind to these kinds of possibilities.  That's why I've meteorite insurance on my car, after all.

Crap, I just did it again, didn't I?  I wish I didn't get distracted so easily.  I wish I could focus on something meaningful and just, you know, see it through to the end.  I wish I could remember what hell I was going to write about twenty minutes ago instead puking up all this nonsense on the page.  I wish I could grant wishes.  I bet I'd make an awesome wish-granter.

I wouldn't be like that Genie on Aladdin - except maybe that that top-knot hair style he had, that would be kind of cool - I would retain the right to choose which wishes I would fulfill and in what way they would be fulfilled.  Let me take a few e-mail write-ins here, see how I would do.

"I wish for World Peace!"  says Leo Alberstein of Ontario, Canada

No problem, I'm an all-powerful Wish-Granting Dude, of course I'd go for World Peace.  I'd turn all guns and explosives around the world into donuts and danishes that way all the soldiers around the world would be too stuffed to fight.  All the world leaders would have their offices turned into hot-tubs, because its a well known scientific fact that it impossible to declare war whilst soaking in bubbling 110-degree water.  Conflicts will be settled by football and rugby matches.  And any real disputes will be settled by a court consisting of Mr. Clean, the Keebler Elves, and Yoda; because they exemplify the fundamental aspects of cleanliness, industriousness, and wisdom.  And since they are all fictitious they can't really be threatened or coerced.  So, World Peace is taken care of.  Got anything harder?

"I wish to abolish hunger!" writes in Janet Wolcott of Greensboro, Vermont

Boom, baby!  Got it covered.  I just made dirt the most nutritious thing in the world and it tastes like M&Ms.  Eat up folks!  This is so easy.

"I wish there was no more disease!" says Mr. and Mrs. Hank Frierson of Carson City, Nevada

Good one, Mr. and Mrs Hank Frierson, I like the way you guys think!  First, I'd turn sweat into Purell and smell like your favorite de-odorant/perfume/cologne.  Then I'd empower the word "Gazundeit" to actually remove any unwanted germs in any given area.  Finally, all forms of cancer and genetic disorders would become nothing more than acute tickling sensations until they are burped out.  I am so awesome at this!

"I wish my car were a Transformer!" writes Yu Kukusan of Japan

Holy crap, so do I!  Done and done, my friend!  In fact, I'm going to make that a global thing.  Anyone who wants a Transformer for a car can have one!  But remember, people, as a world without wars you can only have recreational robot fights in specially designated Transformer Battle Grounds!

"I wish for all the money in the world!” asks Tina Mimblass of Tungston, Iowa

You greedy little--!  Fine, your world now consists entirely of Six-Flags and here's a free-pass that is good for all rides until you leave - which you NEVER can!  Mwa-ha-ha-ha!.  Hope you like roller coasters!

"I wish I had a bigger ______!" sent in by anonymous

I'm going to assume you are referring to your nose.  Congratulations, Pinocchio is now incredibly jealous.

"I wish I could fly!" from Chip McFellows of West Hamsport, Oregon

To where?  Be specific people!!  Jeez...  Okay, your Transformer Car can also turn into an SR-71 superjet but you need to get certified on your own, got me?  Those are very fast jets and I don't want you going all willy-nilly in one just because you don't know what you're doing.

"I wish I were a bunny!  They're so cute!" says Estelle Tresdum of Nice, France

WTF???  Who the hell is screening my emails now?  Fine, you are now the Easter Bunny.  Have a hippity-hoppity day, weirdo!

"I wish I could go back and do things differently!" from Gregor Yintletides of Easter Island

Whoa, whoa, whoa...I am putting my foot down right now on all types of time-traveling wishes.  I refer you to the collected works of "Back to the Future," just so you can get a small inkling of the damage you could do to yourself and others.  No one wants to get hit on by their mom, right?  I think we're all in agreement on that.  But, I am a magnanimous all-powerful Wish-Granting Dude, so I'll remove all your bad memories and replace them with the life experiences of Tutti from "The Facts of Life."  Fair enough?  Good.

"I wish I were a pirate!" asks Willemina Sumbuddy of Dooperville, Texas

Hee hee!  You're funny!  Here, have a pet monkey on me, as well!  Arghh, matey!

"I wish my cat were alive again!" writes in little Anna Keutenstuph in red crayon

I knew it, I just knew some moron was going to ask me to raise the dead.  This one is just as bad as mucking around with the time/space continuum, people!!    Sure, I know what you're thinking, "But, its just a kid's cat?  What so wrong with that?  Don't be such a jerk!"  But that's just how it starts!  First its just a cat.  Then its just a dog.  Next its just a herd of sheep.  Then it'll just be Grandpa but only long enough so he can tell us where he hid that priceless antique bed pan used by President Lincoln that one time.  Suddenly, everyone will be clamoring for a one night special engagement of Bob Marley! Why not make it a week!  And before you know it Vegas will be overrun with Zombies of the greatest musical talents of the last half century, playing some of the greatest concerts ever to be heard, and eating the brains of their groupies.  It will be Armageddon, although, an Armageddon with one hell of a soundtrack.  No, I'm gonna be a jerk and just poof into existence a cat that looks a heckuva lot like your first one.

"I wish I could see the future!" says Velencia Kreigle of New Humplebump, Finland

Okay.  You will get to see .0006 seconds into the future.  Ha!  Betcha didn’t see that one coming!

"I wish I were you!" writes Davey Swapple of Dillweed, Missouri

Doesn't everybody?  I mean, I'm so awes -- Damn it!  You just got my all-powerful Wish-Granting Dude powers, didn't you?  GAARRHH!  I walked right into that one!  Will you at least keep all the changes I made?  Please?

I guess he didn't...dirt decidedly doesn't taste like M&Ms anymore...  And we were all so close to Transformer cars!