versus Beauty Products

There are many many things in this world that I don't understand, such as: how tastebuds work, why water is wet, and when does the soul grow?  These are questions that science has tried to explain and I either just don't quite get it or I think its lying (Sorry, but I'm just not buying the idea evolution thought it was a great self-defense mechanism to give baboons big red asses; clearly evolution lost a bet and is too ashamed to admit it.).  And one thing that I particularly don't understand is feminine beauty products.  As far as I can tell, beauty products are one part common sense, two parts voodoo, and two parts science gone hay-wire.

Think about it, if you're eyes feel all puffy would you have said to yourself, "I should slap a cucumber on my face!"  Or, if your hair feels all brittle and listless would you make the mathematical leap of egg yolk = luxuriance?  Hell, if we take it one step further, just the very idea of soap seems outlandish.  I'm all dirty and muddy, I think I will boil me up some pig fat and smear it on my body.  That will feel sooo goooood!   I consider myself a man with a mind that can think of many odd things to do with my time but I can honestly say I wouldn't have thought of these.  (Although somebody did and I smell great!  Much to the delight of anyone within 30 yards of me!)  But there is one beauty product out there that baffles me beyond belief, that stretches crudulity so far that one could toss it over a tree limb and create a tire swing, that pulls the leg so violently that re-attachment surgery would need to be performed.  And that product is none other than:

Argan Oil.

Don't know what Argan Oil is?  I could tell you but you'll probably just accuse me of lying and throw your shoe at my face.  Okay fine, I'll tell you, but I'm waringin you: I'll be keeping any footwear that lands on or near me!  Argan Oil is a medicinal extract used in beauty products made from nuts...that have been eaten, partially digested and subsequently pooped out by tree-dwelling Moroccan goats, as shown above.  This is a real thing people, look at this site if you don't believe me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argan

I just don't understand how the this stuff was discovered?  I mean, its poop-nuts, who the hell picked that up and thought "skin care?"  First of all, I need to mention that the idea of tree-dwelling goats are just about the most awesome thing I've heard of in a long time and I have to give the Moroccans a lot of credit for inventing them.  (This is another one of those things I don't believe evolution when it tries to claim responsibility).  I don't know for sure how the goats became arboreal, but I like to imagine the legend goes something like this:

 Some years ago - perhaps as few as 50 years, perhaps as many as 1,000,000 -  there was this heard of goats that were often the target of the local teen-age boy tomfoolery - and Moroccan tomfoolery is particularly dastardly.  Late one summer night when all the boys were drunk and couldn't get dates (most likely, because the Moroccan girls only go for boys that torment cattle) they reached their rejection limit and made a solemn vow that they would all do whatever takes to get laid by prom night.  So, to help their plight, they decided to get rid of their most obvious tempatation and distraction and toss all the goats into the nearby Argan trees.  Once the goats were up there they just looked at each other and said, "Meh," and peed on all the boys heads in sweet, sweet revenge

But that still doesn't explain how somebody thought it would be a good idea to rumage around in their crap, find some partially digested nut, and rub it all over themselves.  It's a thought process that I just can't seem to follow.  Was it a dare or something?  Were two guys walking through the Argan grove, being watched by the goats above, when suddenly -              
                           (translated in a stunningly poor attempt from Arabic)

"Whoa!  Esteban, you nearly placed your foot in the excrement of goat!"

"Good God, you are correct Roberto!  Thank you, my friend Roberto!  May the blessing of saints be upon your family!"

"Esteban, would you care to create a wager for fun and/or amusement?"

"Naturally, Roberto. Fun with you is always fun. We are friends!"

"I wager you will not pick up that goat excrement and put in on your rash!  For fun and/or amusement!"

"That is disgusting and humorous, Roberto.  I must ponder.  What do I acquire if I defeat your challenge?"

"This torpedo."

"I accept!"

Meanwhile, the goats above continue to chew the leaves and nuts of the Argan trees and think, "Friggin' morons."

So, yeah, I guess I simply don't get beauty products.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that.