versus Wishes

Have you ever had that feeling like there was something you wanted to do or say that could very well be the most important thing you could EVER do or say but then something comes up or gets in the way and before you know it, all those thoughts and ambitions have disappeared like common sense does around midnight at a frat party?  Yeah, me too.  In fact, its happened right now and that's pretty much why you are reading this crap.  Sorry.  And it wasn't even something good that got in my mind and pushed out worthwhile thoughts; I was just looking out the window and I saw lady walking across the parking lot in the rain and she had a really orange slicker on and I thought, "Orange Slicker...mmm...sounds like a tasty drink, the kind that deserves an umbrella in it and can only be properly served by people in grass skirts.  And perhaps ice cream.  Now I'm hungry...."  I mean come on!  I'm fairly sure that I had thought of something that was really insightful and inspiring and would more than likely changed the way I viewed the world, but my stupid brain got distracted by bright colors.  Is there such a thing as Adult On-Set Retardation?  If there is, I think I've got a bad case of it.  It would also explain that rash I've developed on my right elbow; either that or its a bit of eczema but I feel its safer to keep an open mind to these kinds of possibilities.  That's why I've meteorite insurance on my car, after all.

Crap, I just did it again, didn't I?  I wish I didn't get distracted so easily.  I wish I could focus on something meaningful and just, you know, see it through to the end.  I wish I could remember what hell I was going to write about twenty minutes ago instead puking up all this nonsense on the page.  I wish I could grant wishes.  I bet I'd make an awesome wish-granter.

I wouldn't be like that Genie on Aladdin - except maybe that that top-knot hair style he had, that would be kind of cool - I would retain the right to choose which wishes I would fulfill and in what way they would be fulfilled.  Let me take a few e-mail write-ins here, see how I would do.

"I wish for World Peace!"  says Leo Alberstein of Ontario, Canada

No problem, I'm an all-powerful Wish-Granting Dude, of course I'd go for World Peace.  I'd turn all guns and explosives around the world into donuts and danishes that way all the soldiers around the world would be too stuffed to fight.  All the world leaders would have their offices turned into hot-tubs, because its a well known scientific fact that it impossible to declare war whilst soaking in bubbling 110-degree water.  Conflicts will be settled by football and rugby matches.  And any real disputes will be settled by a court consisting of Mr. Clean, the Keebler Elves, and Yoda; because they exemplify the fundamental aspects of cleanliness, industriousness, and wisdom.  And since they are all fictitious they can't really be threatened or coerced.  So, World Peace is taken care of.  Got anything harder?

"I wish to abolish hunger!" writes in Janet Wolcott of Greensboro, Vermont

Boom, baby!  Got it covered.  I just made dirt the most nutritious thing in the world and it tastes like M&Ms.  Eat up folks!  This is so easy.

"I wish there was no more disease!" says Mr. and Mrs. Hank Frierson of Carson City, Nevada

Good one, Mr. and Mrs Hank Frierson, I like the way you guys think!  First, I'd turn sweat into Purell and smell like your favorite de-odorant/perfume/cologne.  Then I'd empower the word "Gazundeit" to actually remove any unwanted germs in any given area.  Finally, all forms of cancer and genetic disorders would become nothing more than acute tickling sensations until they are burped out.  I am so awesome at this!

"I wish my car were a Transformer!" writes Yu Kukusan of Japan

Holy crap, so do I!  Done and done, my friend!  In fact, I'm going to make that a global thing.  Anyone who wants a Transformer for a car can have one!  But remember, people, as a world without wars you can only have recreational robot fights in specially designated Transformer Battle Grounds!

"I wish for all the money in the world!” asks Tina Mimblass of Tungston, Iowa

You greedy little--!  Fine, your world now consists entirely of Six-Flags and here's a free-pass that is good for all rides until you leave - which you NEVER can!  Mwa-ha-ha-ha!.  Hope you like roller coasters!

"I wish I had a bigger ______!" sent in by anonymous

I'm going to assume you are referring to your nose.  Congratulations, Pinocchio is now incredibly jealous.

"I wish I could fly!" from Chip McFellows of West Hamsport, Oregon

To where?  Be specific people!!  Jeez...  Okay, your Transformer Car can also turn into an SR-71 superjet but you need to get certified on your own, got me?  Those are very fast jets and I don't want you going all willy-nilly in one just because you don't know what you're doing.

"I wish I were a bunny!  They're so cute!" says Estelle Tresdum of Nice, France

WTF???  Who the hell is screening my emails now?  Fine, you are now the Easter Bunny.  Have a hippity-hoppity day, weirdo!

"I wish I could go back and do things differently!" from Gregor Yintletides of Easter Island

Whoa, whoa, whoa...I am putting my foot down right now on all types of time-traveling wishes.  I refer you to the collected works of "Back to the Future," just so you can get a small inkling of the damage you could do to yourself and others.  No one wants to get hit on by their mom, right?  I think we're all in agreement on that.  But, I am a magnanimous all-powerful Wish-Granting Dude, so I'll remove all your bad memories and replace them with the life experiences of Tutti from "The Facts of Life."  Fair enough?  Good.

"I wish I were a pirate!" asks Willemina Sumbuddy of Dooperville, Texas

Hee hee!  You're funny!  Here, have a pet monkey on me, as well!  Arghh, matey!

"I wish my cat were alive again!" writes in little Anna Keutenstuph in red crayon

I knew it, I just knew some moron was going to ask me to raise the dead.  This one is just as bad as mucking around with the time/space continuum, people!!    Sure, I know what you're thinking, "But, its just a kid's cat?  What so wrong with that?  Don't be such a jerk!"  But that's just how it starts!  First its just a cat.  Then its just a dog.  Next its just a herd of sheep.  Then it'll just be Grandpa but only long enough so he can tell us where he hid that priceless antique bed pan used by President Lincoln that one time.  Suddenly, everyone will be clamoring for a one night special engagement of Bob Marley! Why not make it a week!  And before you know it Vegas will be overrun with Zombies of the greatest musical talents of the last half century, playing some of the greatest concerts ever to be heard, and eating the brains of their groupies.  It will be Armageddon, although, an Armageddon with one hell of a soundtrack.  No, I'm gonna be a jerk and just poof into existence a cat that looks a heckuva lot like your first one.

"I wish I could see the future!" says Velencia Kreigle of New Humplebump, Finland

Okay.  You will get to see .0006 seconds into the future.  Ha!  Betcha didn’t see that one coming!

"I wish I were you!" writes Davey Swapple of Dillweed, Missouri

Doesn't everybody?  I mean, I'm so awes -- Damn it!  You just got my all-powerful Wish-Granting Dude powers, didn't you?  GAARRHH!  I walked right into that one!  Will you at least keep all the changes I made?  Please?

I guess he didn't...dirt decidedly doesn't taste like M&Ms anymore...  And we were all so close to Transformer cars!