versus Stupid Ideas

Okay, how many of you have ever done something that seemed like a good idea at the time but upon further reflection realized that maybe, just maybe, you should have gotten a second opinion before you acted? And I don't mean little foolish things like trying to lick your own elbow. Or shouting "I'm Batman!" upon entering a public men's room that wasn't quite as empty as you thought. Or nodding vigourously at the computer screen while reading this as though somehow I can see what your doing through the magic of the interweb. No, I'm talking about ideas like, "Hey, how high can you throw a horseshoe straight up?" not thinking that gravity will fling that horseshoe right back at you.

The reason why I bring this up is because I have many such ideas that turned out badly. I mean, so badly that I'm a bit surprised I haven't been brought up on charges of first degree murder of my own brain cells, just for thinking them. So, naturally, this line of thinking led to the obvious question of, "Where do stupid ideas come from?" Well, as we all know governments are the primary breeding grounds for idiotic ideas. (I.e. - Great Wall of China was built because the Emperor got so fed up with his younger brother, Hank, always playing with his stuff and he wanted to clearly mark which side of the country was his.) But that doesn't really answer where they come from, does it? Hmmm, let me just line up a few more brain cells in front of the ol' firing squad and see what I can think of...perhaps I should start by analyzing a few problems and compare and contrast good ideas to solve the problem with bad ones.

1st Problem: I'm very hot and I want to cool off.
Good idea - Drink chilled iced-tea or eat some ice cream.
Bad idea - Steal a bra from my Aunt Gertie (you know, the one with the bazoombas bigger than Kentucky) fill it with ice cubes and strap it to my chest.

Analysis: Well, the good idea is very good, for not only does it serve the desired function but it also tastes really great. The bad idea, though, I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Of course, the basic concept of it is sound - apply ice to the body, thus cooling it dramatically - but the execution is just horrible. First it assumes I have an Aunt Gertie (or a similarly bazoomba-enhanced female relative)...which I don't. Second, I need to make all that ice, which will melt and make me all soggy. And third, there is a definite risk of frost bite to the nipples. Not good. Not good at all.

2nd Problem: Oh no, I have a flat tire!

Good idea - Use my jack, tire iron and spare tire to swap out the damaged wheel.

Bad idea - Use my jack and tire iron to take a good tire off a nearby car and put it on your own, leaving only a note that says, "Yoink!!"

Analysis: Again, the good idea in this instance is quite solid, employing the very admirable traits of self-reliance, responsibility, and a can-do attitude! I'd be on my way in a matter of minutes. The bad idea completely fails in just about every way possible. The initial thought process is sound but deviates wildly from anything remotely resembling good with astonishing speed. Not only is it criminal to do such a thing, but there is no guarantee that this new tire will even fit my wheel hub or has the proper air pressure. And then leaving the note, "Yoink?" It's just plain rude of me. That is what is referred to by most people as a "dick move."

3rd Problem: I have a headache...
Good idea - Drink more fluids, take some aspirin and get some rest.
Bad idea - Decapitate myself.
Analysis - It's pretty obvious here why the good idea is so good: you are actively taking steps to feel better, not only for the moment, but also in the near future. It's an elegant solution with the potential for long term benefits. Decapitation would solve the problem by removing it entirely and I had thought it would be a valid method at first because that is precisely what surgeon's do to cancerous growths. So despite the clear effort on my part to come up with a solution that does have some form of precedence, however tangental, it does have a clear downside: I would be dead. And further research has conclusively proven to me that being dead is, at best, an undesirable condition to be in; at worst...well, I could be even more dead than I originally suspected.

Hmmm...after carefully studying the above situations and weighing the benefits and downfalls of each, I think I may have finally come up with a workable theory on the origins of dumb ideas.

Stupid ideas come about in the same way as all ideas: from a nice cute little innocent concept, the kind that wear pink bows in their hair and make people go, "Aww," and want to pinch its cheeks. It's all sweet and cuddley as it grows into a thought and you proudly show it off to your buddies, loudly claiming that one day it will change the world, everyone will wish they had an idea just like this one and it may even become president! You make sure it doesn't beat too much brain candy, goes to bed early, washes behind its little thought balloons. Then, the idea hits puberty and WHAM! all hell breaks loose.

Suddenly, your idea has grown into something of a theory and starts being all secretive and evasive and ignores you when you ask it to take out the garbage, preferring to stay in its room. No matter what you do, you just can't seem to understand it as you once did. It argues with you at every opportunity now and more often then not you feel like its in control of you, not the other way way. By now, the days of it having little bows in its hair are long gone, replaced with wardrobes of halter tops that flaunt its fine notions and skirts so short you can practically see its thesis! It has become a scheme, a wild crazy scheme that runs amok, overrides your better judgement and before you know it your car is nothing more than raging fireball careening down the highway because you wanted to make S'mores on the way your grandmas house using the cigarette lighter.

So, really, is it a question of upbringing? Could proper supervision and dedicated care have prevented such a tragic ending? Or are some ideas just destined to be foolhardy?

I think its a little of both. Sure, we can safeguard as much as we want against possible dumbness but, the fact remains: sooner or later, somewhere in the world someone will think of something that will require the use of a helmet - always a clear sign of the stupidity strength of any given action.