versus the letter C

Yeah, you read that properly; I've got an issue with that stinkin' third letter - and not only for its habit of relentless teasing of my hair, that stupid heartless bully!  No, I don't like it for it is useless!  Useless, I say!!

Think about it: C has no sound of its own!  It either sounds like a K or an S or needs the help of H just to make that "ch" sound.  It is a bloody parasite, the tape worm of the alphabet, unable to survive on its own!  And does anybody here know why some words have that extra K after the C?  Is it supposed to make it extra K-ish?  No, its just to make sure we don't mistakenly say it like an S if the word has an E at the end, as in raced versus racked. 

There doesn't even appear to be any sort of rules to govern when to use the various sounds.  I mean, are we only supposed to use C when it is followed by an R, like in crate or cradle or craft...wait, no kraft is a real word, too (seriously, look it up if you don't believe me!).  Krypton and kraken also break that rule.  Case versus karma?  What is the reasoning behind those?  But you know what really gets me?  Those words that use C multiple times but has a different sound every time its used, as in check, chicken, chocolate and crochet.  Based on those examples, grammar obviously has no regard for any sort of regulations.

The Italians are probably the nearest to solving this issue with some (but not all) of their words: sometimes C by ITSELF makes the "ch" sound, like cello!

So, here's what I propose: we alter the English language in an effort to simplify things.  Just use the appropriate letter to make the appropriate sound!  Crayon turns to krayon.  Celery transforms to selery.  Church morphs into curc!  See how easy it is!!  Keep in mind this simple new strategy and read the following:

Kleary the English language is suc a krazy, skrewed up kombination of dialekts, slang, aksents, and foreign tongues, that aktual attempts to desypher eac of its kountless sekrets would kulminate in nothing exsept seaseless sirkles of konfusion and cagrin.  Damn, writing like this makes me feel like a dyslexik cild with kognitive komplikations.  On sekond thought, perhaps canges to our kollektive spoken kulture would be too diffikult to aksept just now.

Ah, well.  It was a valient effort, but alas, it seems my personal war against that most pointless of letters has been sabotaged yet again.  As part of the English speaking population, we are simply not ready for this.

Then again...

I did manage to write this entire blog without using a C unless outright say it (like I just did) or giving examples!  Hey, its a start!