versus Personality Quizzes

I will admit it: I think I may have a problem when it comes to quizzes.  You know what I'm talking about, right?  In just about every magazine there is inevitably some kind of rate-yourself multiple choice questionnaire designed to discover some kind of useless, superficial deeper meaning.  I can't help myself!  If I'm standing in the checkout line in the grocercy store for more than the allotted 2.5 mins/10 items/ person I will inexorably be drawn to a 10 Question Survey of How Romantic Am I?  It's how I found out that I have a "winter" complexion, have a healthy natural competitive streak against all Pisces, and thong underwear would greatly enhance my self-esteem - that was a weird test...

Anyway, as I am one always willing to annoy people with intensley personal questions I figured, "Hey I could make one up myself!"  And so I have.  Below are 21 queries that I have carefully considered, spent hours crafting, all in the name of attempting to discern and decipher the inner-most you!  All with my signature use of the bizarre, of course!  So, grab a piece of paper and pencil and score yourself at home!  Who knows, you might just find out something about yourself you never thought you'd want to!!

This is gonna be fun!!

Question 1:  If you could be any type of sports car, what kind would you be?
A)  A F1 racer
B)  A golf cart
C)  A Kentucky Derby thoroughbred
D)  A jet ski

Question 2:  If you could change one thing about yourself, would you:
A) See with your taste buds.
B) Have your ears glow like a firefly.
C) Laugh with your hair.
D) Sneeze like a cattle bell.

Question 3:  If you see a $20 bill on the ground, your immediate reaction would be:
A) Run in fear, screaming for a prominent religious figure to save you.
B) Have a staring contest with it and boast to all your friends how finally beat Andrew Jackson at something (even if you didn't).
C) Water it everyday, make sure that it gets plenty of sunlight, and play Mozart to it every night before bed so that some day it will grow into a strong and healthy $50.
D) Have it arrested for loitering.

Question 4: How do you typically view those around you?
A) As mere mortals that periodically need smiting from your mighty warhammer Mjolner.
B) As creatures whose only true purpose is to serve as targets for your fecal-flinging tendancies.
C) As giants; massive cookie-mongering ever-hungry giants always raiding your home inside a tree for your life's work.
D) As meat sacks, utterly expendable and totally unnecessary, as your programming dictates.  The only reason you notice them is to discern which one it is you must eliminate.

Question 5:  If you are standing in a long line waiting for the next available cashier during the holiday season, you are most apt to:
A) Burst into song and dance, decrying to all those around you about how your day is going, trusting blindly everyone will know all the words and steps and join in.
B) Barter, dicker, cajole and bribe your way to the front of the line.
C) Speak to you fellow line-mates, helping them to deal with their current crisis.  Be sure to warn them of any fees they might incur if things extend into a second hour.
D) Write your memoirs.

Question 6: You are suddently granted one of the following super-powers; which would you choose?
A) You cane speak in rhyming couplets at will.
B) Your limbs and facial features are now all attached by velcro and can be rearranged at will without suffering any damage to your health.
C) You can shoot Cherry Kool-Aid from your eyes.
D) You can breathe pudding.

Question 7: Which of the following adjectives best describes your personality while alone?
A) Wavy.
B) Smurfy.
C) Jackie Chan-ish.
D) Lower-case.

Question 8: In the event of a natural disaster, who or what would you attempt to keep from harm?
A) The collected works of Walt Disney Inc., circa 1985-2005
B) Zach Braff
C) Two of every breed of cell phone so that they might one day come back from the brink of extinction.
D) The sun.

Question 9: Your spaghetti sauce is missing one final ingredient to make it perfect, but you can't read what it is on the recipe, forcing you to improvise.  You would add:
A) The secret ingredient used by the Oompa-Loompa's to make all of Willy Wonka's candy oh so yummy!
B) The integrity of TV chefs because they sell it so cheap these days.
C) Liquid Schwartz.
D) Animal crackers for that touch of playfulness and crunch of awesomeness.

Question 10: You have the power to alter one of these moments in history, you would:
A) Stop one Mr. Arthur Fonzarelli from making that fateful and utterly dumb-assful motorcycle jump.
B) Convincing a 15 year-old Richard Simmons that shaving his head for the rest of his life would be a great idea.
C) Giving Prince Dracula a hug and an ice cream, thereby preventing him from binding his eternal soul to Satan and thus stopping the vampire-crazed hordes which now plagues us (read as: Twilight fans) before it ever begins.

D) Prevent both Train A and Train B from leaving the train station at all, thus rendering moot any question as to which direction they are travelling, when they depart and how many oranges they may or may not be hauling.

Question 11: Which of the following is most likely to make you cry?
A) Not being allowed to use the bathroom until this game of Monopoly you started 11 hours ago is finished.
B) Watching the end of "Old Yeller" with a cute puppy in the room.
C) A chance to win $10,000 if you can cry more than anyone else.
D) Getting punched in the genetalia by a blacksmith with a grudge.

Question 12: Your significant other sits you down and gravely says, "We need to talk."  You respond by:
A) Refusing to acknowledge anything they say unless they speak Spukvolkian, a language you just invented so you don't have to hear bad news.
B) Take it like an adult and get stronger medication from your therapist.
C) Stare at the tip of their nose with intense concern but assure them there is nothing wrong until they get too self-conscious and walk away.
D) Shout, "Dibs on the checking account!" and stick to your guns.

Question 13: When faced with a situation you've never faced before, you would:
A) Calmly take stock of the situation, evaluate the best course of action, calculate the odds of success, then throw your shoe to cause a distraction and run away.
B) Challenge it to a game of high-stakes Charades.
C) Run around it in ever tightening circles, barking like crazy until it either acknowledges your superior skills or someone hits you with a tazer.
D) Hold perfectly still until the new situation sniffs around you for a bit, realizes you're not worth it and moves onto someone else.

Question 14: You know a very personal secret about a guy named "Chad."  You are not close friends to begin with.  You would:
A) Write a very long and incredibly detailed Blog about someone named "Chod" thereby protecting his identity.
B) Keep Chad's confidence as you are now BFFs and purchase matching pegasus shaped lockets with each other's names on them.
C) Every time you see Chad pretend like you can't see him and run the other way.
D) Get very paranoid that everyone is trying to pry the secret from you, preventing you from getting any sleep and , ultimately decapitating your favorite teddy bear because he was nagging you too much.  Then tell everyone you know Chad's secret.

Question 15: Your boss just gave $1000 to spend on anything, provided you DO NOT spend it on yourself, you would:
A) Buy $1000 worth of traffic cones and create an obstacle course in your boss' driveway.
B) Hire a private investigator to follow your boss around for a week and take pictures you can give to your co-workers for christmas.
C) Re-paint your boss' house so that when you look at it on Google Street it says "Douchebag."
D) Send your boss a different singing telegram from a "secret admirer" every hour of the work day until the $1000 runs out.

Question 16: Which of the following quotes best describes you?
A) "The eyes are the nipples of the face."
B) "Whores do tricks, Michael.  I'm a magician!"
C) "The Dude abides."
D) "Losers whine about their best.  Winners go home and f--- the prom queen."

Question 17: It turns out Santa Claus is real!  He wants to give you give you one present, whatever you want.  It would be:
A) Boba Fett's armor in pristine condition
B) Chuck Norris' fists.
C) The Batcave set from the original 1960's TV show
D) An I-phone.

Question 18: If you could swap places with one of these people for a day, you would choose:
A) Mr. T's personal assistant - apparently Mr. T himself is impervious to body swapping.
B) Al from "Quantum Leap" because you would be a hologram, have access to countless amounts of data and live in the far-off amazing future of 1999.
C) Lassie - has anyone ever been as universally loved as her?
D) Spongebob Squarepants - Question: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Answer: You do!

Qustion 19: You're late for a very important job interview, you would:
A) take your time, make the appointment and patiently explain that elves must have broken into your house and set every clock back 22 mintues, those crafty bastards.
B) Tear the sleeves of your clothes and explain that you just wrestled a baby away from a sewer gator on your way over.
C) Attempt to hypnotize anyone that points out you are late.
D) Inform them your meeting with the President, Michael Jordan and James Bond ran a little longer than intended.

Question 20: If you could be invisible for a week, which of the following is most likely what you would do?
A) "Haunt" mall and after hours play with EVERYTHING!
B) Walk around in a very spiffing suit complete with overcoat, shiney shoes and gloves but no hat so it looks like a headless suit is walking around.
C) Donate yourself to science because, Holy Shit! you're friggin' invisible!!
D) Learn to speak a foreign language.

Question 21: You have the ability to invent one of the following items.  You would choose:
A) Glasses that display random and fairly useless facts about everything you see as in "Pop Up Videos."
B) GPS belt buckles.
C) Mirrors that notify you if you "miss a spot" whilst grooming.
D) Develope a new clean-energy source derived from coordinated tap-dancing.

.tratS ,tceleS ,A ,B ,thgiR ,tfeL ,thgiR ,tfeL ,nwoD ,nwoD ,pU ,pU :yeK rewsnA