versus Movie Review: Legion

Yeah, I know the movie came out about a month ago and is probably out of the theaters by now, but you know, that's probably a good thing.  By the end of this review you may even thank me.  Anyway...

Legion - So, here's the idea of this movie: God has decided mankind needs to be destroyed and has unleashed his angels to perform this grim task.  How cool a concept is that?!  Damn cool, I say!  As soon as I heard that, visions of almighty winged warriors swooping down upon a sinful populace, smiting everying with divine judgment fluttered around my noggin!  Especially when the previews showed that an Archangel (Michael) had rebelled against His Word and decided to fight to save humanity.  Seraphim on seraphim carnage!  I imagined the battlefields to look something like the world's largest pillowfight gone crazy.

Too bad this movie really...really...sucked.

Keep reading this review and I will not only spoil any plots points this film may or may not contain (spoiler alert: it doesn't) but I will also spoil any thoughts of eating for the next day or two.  It's that stupid.

Have you stopped reading yet?  No?  Oh man, you're brave...

Okay, so I've detailed the concept of this movie above.  Now, I'm going to detail the actual filth...I mean, film.  Ready?  It's the plot of the Terminator movies (relentless killing machine trying to eliminate the mother of a "messiah" who will lead mankind against annhilation in the future) except, in this version, its incredibly far-fetched, wholly unbelievable, and wretchedly acted (with very very few exceptions).  That's right: I'm saying that a virtually indestructable robot which travels back through time and begins to systematically murder people named "Sarah" because she might get pregnant at some point in her life is far more realistic than this bullshit.

One of the worst parts of the movie is the characterization - none of the characters are very likeable; from the Mother that smokes freely whilst 8+ months pregnant to Dennis Quaid's grumpy diner owner that brazenly wears soiled wife-beaters before Armageddon starts - and any dialogue ruins all chances for redemption.  I suspect, though I have no real proof, that Charles S. Dutton's character only had a hook for a hand so they could work this sterling specimen of wordsmithing: the Archangel Michael is instructing the "survivors" on how to use a rifle and says, "Be sure to use both hands." And they all pointedly look at Mr. Dutton and he says...wait for it..."Why you all lookin' at me?"  At no other point does his lack of a hand come up or is even really acknowledged, and it didn't seem to affect his frying pan throwing ability.

Perhaps the greatest crime against film was perpetrated by the "main" character, played by Lucas Black.  He's...he's just AWFUL!  He is so bad I can't even think of a clever way to rip on him. After 10 minutes of watching him on screen I found myself wishing for Keanu to make a cameo just so he could utter a timely, "Whoa...," and raise the intellect level of the picture by 50 to 100 points.  I mean, there was a scene where Lucas appeared like he didn't even understand the words that were being spoken at him.  And the icing on this crap-cake of a "hero?"  The character's name is Jeep.  That killed, dismembered, fed to pigs, subsequently digested, excreted out and stepped in by a drunk farmer any hope of credibility the film might have had.

The marauding angels were exceedingly dumb as well.  They looked and behaved much more like demons with their most distinguishing traits - that which allows us to know which humans have been possessed - being baby shark teeth and eye-shadow (even on the boys!).  There were 3 "memorable" angel/demons throughout the film: An old lady that single handedly scared the bejeezus out of all our heroes and was actually fairly well done; a creepy little boy beastie that somehow managed to cut off both his thumbs from knife he was holding himself with one stab; and an unbelievably creepy...thing...in a soiled dress and a potato sack on its head for absolutely no friggin reason.  It was just, you know, there.  It wasn't really doing anything, at all, but I have rarely seen anything exude as much evil as that supremely grotesque...again, all I can call it is a "thing."

Perhaps the only thing worth seeing in this movie was the creative look and execution of the two Archangels, Michael and Gabriel.  Their wings looked very believable and, surprisingly, appeared to have been well thought out.  Gabriel in particular cut a very imposing figure and definitely looked to be able to kick the hoo-ha out of anyone, especially when he is oozing that righteous God-told-me-to-smite-you-now vibe.  But does that make it worth the price of admission?  Hardly.

I will say that this movie became fairly enjoyable as soon as I stopped taking it seriously and just laughed at everything I saw.  Who knows, this may become excellent fodder for a truly brilliant Riff-Trax!  As far as I can tell, that may be the only way to get any sort of redemption out of this sin of a movie.